HUNGER HURTS

04 August 2008 @ 02:43 pm

apple this morning around 11....pint of juice, either a banana or small bowl of cereal for tea...250 day i reckon, not too bad i guess.. defo back on the wagon after a horrendous few weeks!! i just want my skinny clothes to fit again!!

4 more sleeps to jacks house. i wish i could lose 20 miracle pounds by then but i know i cant so i just have to do what i can!!

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28 July 2008 @ 11:58 am

(no subject)

OK...SO HERE I AM YET AGAIN... ITS 12 NOON, ZERO INTAKE SO FAR, TODAY WONT BE EASY AS IM TRYING TO GET INTO A 5-7 DAY FAST, THE FIRST DAY IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST FOR ME AND I SAIL IT AFTER THAT BUT I HAVE TO... IM STAYING AT JACKS HOUSE IN 12 NIGHTS............. THATS NOT LONG, BUT ITS THE MOTIVATION I NEED.

I THINK IM NEAR THE HEAVISET WEIGHT I HAVE BEEN IN A LONG TIME, IM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY I AM HERE....TIME TO CHANGE!!!!

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28 July 2008 @ 11:55 am

(no subject)

***** I AM IN LOVE WITH A BOY CALLED JACK!!! *****

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05 February 2008 @ 07:17 pm

haircut tomo

oooo haircut tomo!! cant wait, loving my white uber blonde just now but gonna get a flash of colour through it too, like a baby blue flash, or deep red with black, mmmm, decisions!!

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05 February 2008 @ 07:12 pm

pancakes...i wish that was my only worry!!

pancak es?? eeewww, with melted choc sauce and banana, eeewww, a whole 3 of them! fuckin disgusted now. i get weighed every friday, this week im gonna go up for the first time in over a month!! and iv had a sore tummy all week from bingeing!! god sake, i get so pissed off, like 2000 cal binge = a normal days eating yet yet there is no chance you will ever find me eating a sandwich at lunchtime or breakfast anyday, but come nightime its like i cant stop. irony! mmmm, after thursday im planning a six day fast, and i think il do ok, weekend of alcohol and water only to start me off!!

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28 January 2008 @ 07:34 am

binge

ok so yesterday i binged the whole day..litterally. by the time i went to bed my body was aching, it still is today and my stomach is lookin like there is a 6 month old baby in it, i kow it will take a coulple days to regulate so im gonna water fast for the first half of the week, i just dont get why i did it. i was like a starved animal, 3000 cals easy, i normally binge late at night, not from 10am!!! and even as i kept making myself more food one voice was sayin what the hell are you doing you will regret it massively tomorrow and another was screaming FUCK YOU ANNA!! so now i know i actually cant cope with that volume of food because im still in pain, yeah i regret it, but not cutting myself up about it, felt like phoning my mum last night and saying eating disorder, are you having a fukin laugh, iv eaten double what u have today, thank god i didnt, she would think i have finally lost it!! so im hoping i would do anythin so damaging again, ever!! ouchhhhh

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26 January 2008 @ 01:03 pm

i have a date

so this week i have been skippin breakfast and lunch, just havin a 200 cal dinner, but i always binge at night so iv been havin half of a chocolate wafer biscuit and counting it in. its planned so i can hold off as long as i like then i eat it and it stops me bingein, seems to work.

yesterday i felt really faint by 12, i was at work and knew i wouldnt make it through the day so i had one slice of wholmeal plain bread, helped loads then had to go for t with the parents, the hardest! i had grilled salmon, prawns, green beans, 3 new potatoes and a small servin of sauce followed by 3 scoops ice cream. i had to eat it all. my parents will admit me if i dont.

so today back in the safety of my own house i have so far had broccoli. iv planned to have abanana mid afternoon and a 200 cal micro meal for t....but.... iv just arranged to go on a date, next saturday!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
food and drinks!! FUCK FUCK FUCK. the drinks il cope with, vodka diet coke, the food i wont so i think il say i had a late lunch and just have a starter or small salad and pray he doesnt think im weird, but my biggest fear is what to wear and how much can i lose before then. think il skip my banana later and if i can, which i should, have it for my t and not have the 200 cal meal. il fast tomo. and my week is easy cause im workin so its 200 cal days.... 6 1/2 days...5 or 6 pounds possibly! think i might start divideng my meal in two in the evening, eat one half one night and keep the other for the next, 100 cal days! plan! wishing myself luck!!

i cant wait to get into the proanna forum, feel i need u guys!!!

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21 January 2008 @ 07:13 pm

waiting on acceptance

so im waiting to be accepted to the proanna community, its annoying! im on this site at least three times a day, its a ritual now, first thing in the morning, when i get in from work and before i go to bed if i have time. i didnt eat all day and was hoping to get through the evening too, but i could feel a binge coming on so i had pints (plural) of water then i had a low cal microwave lasagne, 230 cals, not great but not horrendous, and as i put it in the microwave i actually thought to myself... are microwave meals not bad for you, then i giggled at the irony. like i should be worrying about some shitty salt content yet i havent eaten for a week cause food makes me gag! which is worse? u decide.

ok, feel much better now. im gonna put the wee one in the bath then to bed, catch up on hollyoaks, have a green t and go to bed!! no excercise today but a hard day at work more than makes up for it!

i watched a couple of anorexia films on u tube earlier today and had a breakdown moment, a good proper cry, wishing i could tell my parents the truth but knowing they could never fully understand, i think they would try really hard but the thought of them watching me all the time and force feeding me, god my mum is bad enough with her suspicions!

i had friends round on sat night and one of my close pals who has started to notice... so now i feel the need to over-eat in front of her said to me... god i still cant believe how tiny your waist has become, are u sure ur ok. i laughed and told her it was just the shirt i had on was figure hugging compared to the baggy clothes i normally wear!

if i couldnt come on here every day id lose my mind!

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04 January 2008 @ 09:30 pm

hey guys, im new!

hey there folks, this is my first post!

iv been reading this forum for a while. not even really sure what to say. feel like im at an AA meeting or something, u know when they say.. im so and so and im an alcoholic! well...i'm Gemma and i know i have a problem, even though i tell myself i dont and that i have it completely under control. my parents and friends have figured things out too, i have my own house but whenever i go down and visit (my parents dont live far) my mum watches me like a hawk and puts huge plates of food in front of me, im sick of making excuses. I live on peppermint t and prawns, i only eat -200 cals a day and i rarely feel hungry, except at bedtime when i hear my stomach and get satisfaction from it.
I have my bad days like today where i get to about 4pm on water then start bingeing even though im not hungry, now i just feel like i have let myself down and start thinkin my body is gonna hold onto all the fat i just ate and its gonnatake weeks to put right. i know it's messed up, i know that damage it can do but hey it'll never happen to me right?? cause im in control... yeah right. i'v not had any bad side effects really apart from being really tired a lot, does anyone else get this?

i'l no doubt be askin for loads of advice! anyway it's just good to get this off my chest, i tried to explain things to my best friend the other day, she didn't understand and just made a huge scene about how 'skinny' i look, it just made me feel even worse! i am not skinny, i wish i was, it's the only thing in my life i'm unhappy about, and i'm sure like loads of u i feel like if u could get to where u want to be with your weight u would be happy!

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